Welcome to my newsletter 'Never not [thinking about] running'. A newsletter on running and mental health. If you are new here, and many are since last week's newsletter, I recommend reading my first newsletter. It's a bit about the motivation for this newsletter and complements today's newsletter where I talk about starting psychotherapy and why it's important for me and my running. By the way, are you interested in these topics? Perhaps you would like to subscribe to this wonderful newsletter? I guarantee you that I would be very happy. Promise.
Finally starting therapy
Last week, I had my first therapy session. I had visited the psychotherapist twice 6 weeks before, got put on the waiting list, and now, I finally have a spot. Let me briefly explain the process here in Germany. If you want therapy to be covered by your health insurance, you find a therapist, register with them and usually get an appointment in 3-6 months. Often you have to go to different places until you find someone who is willing to talk to you. How people who are really struggling manage this is a mystery to me.
Now about how this relates to running – I'll get to that. During my first burnout in 2018, I was already in treatment. It was okay, it helped, but it wasn't a breakthrough. Probably because it was depth psychological. There's a lot of talk about thoughts, what happened in the past, why you behave the way you do. All very theoretical. Not very action-oriented. Of course, the approach changes behavioral patterns, but much of it was already clear to me.
More impact on my life with the help of a behavioral therapist
That's why this time I searched for a behavioral therapist. When you start therapy, they naturally ask what the goal of therapy should be. The answer came relatively quickly. Of course, I had made up my mind beforehand. I want to feel free, because everything I do I question in my head, I think about it three times, and even then I'm often unsure if it's the right thing to do. Much or almost everything revolves around health (a big issue in our family since I was young, in fact I started running with my father after he had a heart attack) and whether the next action might have a negative health consequence.
Perhaps I need to make that clear again here. None of this means that I'm not functioning. Everything works. Work, family, relationship. Nothing stands still, but a lot of things are not how I imagine them to be. I feel restricted. Trapped. And I don't want to live like that.
I avoid so many things, even possible things, because I feel safe at home. But with three children at home, one of whom is quite challenging, it's far from safe. So I often only have small moments of peace and relaxation. My brain is always on fire, restless. I'm anything but free.
Fearless running
Except when I'm running. Running is where I hardly ever feel fear. It's where I clear my head. I don't worry about whether I'm going to make it. When I run, I just run.
It's different before and after the run. Then I wonder if I'll have the energy to fulfil my obligations at home, at work. If I won't get sick. Irrational things swirling in my head. Trapped in a merry-go-round of thoughts.
And because it's affecting my life, my love of running, everything, I'm in therapy now. I don't know if it will help, but I have to try. Let's go.
This resonated with me and fits perfectly in
Housekeeping
55k in the books last week. 4 runs. The form improved with each run. I would have done a fifth if my wife hadn't tested positive for Covid on Saturday. I still haven't contracted it and I'm confident that I'll dodge the bullet. Fingers crossed. Anyway, I took it a bit easier on Sunday instead of adding a few more kilometres.
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