050 🤮 Progress

Why that smilie? Why progress?

Since my last post - as of today - 51 days have passed - 13 new people have joined here. I've been to therapy four times since then. I've been running 27 times. And what has happened? I have made progress!

If you've been around for a while, you know what this newsletter is about, if not here it comes - I'm writing about running, about (my) mental health and how that affects me (and my running). All from my very personal point of view. If you're interested, I'd be delighted if you subscribed to the newsletter.

The progress

Now to the progress. Even in the first newsletters I wrote about feeling stuck and I don't feel free and that this is what I want to change. That was always a bit cryptic and I would like to apologize for that. I often wrote about being overwhelmed by family and everyday life, about things that I can't manage and that I therefore sit at home, where I feel safe. But I would actually like to go out. I do.

It was similar in therapy. My therapist and I kept circling around the same topics, but somehow we didn't make any progress in many respects because I had simply marginalized the fundamental problem.

Emetophobia

I have emetophobia. What is that? I'm afraid of vomiting or I'm afraid that other people will vomit in my presence. And I found it difficult to talk about it, even in front of my therapist.

Period.

That's it.

Okay. Vomiting is not nice. We can probably all agree on that. But it is an important function of the body. And for some, it may even be relieving in a positive sense. In running alone, and that's what we're often talking about here, there are so many people who accept vomiting as part of the whole thing when they take part in an ultra or a marathon. Some even boast about it.

What’s the thing?

Why is that a problem for me? It probably goes back to my childhood. As a kindergarten child, I once vomited in the supermarket. The reactions were rather average and I also had the feeling that I had done something wrong. Since then, the vomiting phobia has never left me. But it was as good as gone at times and then it was more present at other times. And I have to say that, unlike many other people with this phobia, I have a mild form.

I eat well because I'm not directly afraid of upsetting my stomach with this or that food. I still travel and leave the house. I can work. I can actually still do almost everything, BUT I like to avoid things, because of the fear of throwing up in public, for example, like back then in the supermarket. Even in front of my family. If I don't have an escape route, it stresses me out. On the train. In the car. At events. The fear is completely irrational because it never happened again afterwards and I can probably count the times I've thrown up in my life on two hands.

Many people who suffer from emetophobia are much worse off. Much worse. You can watch a lot of experience reports on YouTube.

Is there a chance of getting better?

How can it get better? Exposure. Expose yourself to the situations that have been problematic so far. So not the throwing up, but the situations like driving, etc. - Sounds easy and I'm now on the right track. Because that wasn't a problem for me before and I generally know how to do it.

It only gradually became really bad and clear to me at the beginning of the year when we had a stomach flu in the family for more or less two months and the issue of throwing up was omnipresent. That really got me down. And it has to be said that I'm much better off than other sufferers. (I already said that, I realized by reading my text again, but it’s important to know for me).

I can still clean up my children's vomit from the floor and hold the bucket, but at the start of the year it was all just a bit much.

The fact is, just admitting the problem to myself helps tremendously to tackle the problem and I feel absolutely better. Another point is to go public. And I'm currently doing that.

Progress.

The other progress: Running

This is a screenshot of my weekly running volume since the end of February. I've felt fit again since the end of February, haven't had any more infections and felt like getting back into running training properly. For the first time in my runninglife, I listened less to my heart and more to my mind.

In the past, it was usually. I'm healthy, so “Go for it!”. If I can run a lot, I run a lot. If I have time, I run. But not this time. Instead, steady progress. Not overdoing things. Increasing a little every week. And it works. I'm rarely overwhelmed or overtired. I don't feel so much pressure, I know that I can take it easy every now and then and in the meantime I'm getting closer to the level and weekly distance that I want to cover regularly.

While the weekly volume is increasing and the workload has also risen at first, it keeps falling despite the increase in distance because the training effect kicks in. So I can adjust now the intensity of the individual training session. Perfect. I've increased my 5K times from 19:40 minutes to 18:15 minutes since then and the plan is to aim for sub-18 in the next few weeks and then get towards a PB in the peak area. Let's see if that works.

I've never done it like this before and it feels really good. Wohoo.

News from the video department

Had my first race last weekend and did two video-notes about it.

The end:

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