045 😶‍🌫️ Never not [thinking about] running is vanishing

But not this newsletter!

Welcome to my email newsletter 'Never not [thinking about] running' - a weekly newsletter about running and mental health. If you haven't subscribed yet and you're not sure whether you really want to receive an e-mail from me on every Thursday, have a look at the archive. Today's newsletter is about letting-go and just embracing the fun little moments in life, which is often difficult for me. It is about the meaning of running for me and how it shifts to another place in my mind.

Weekend. Often longed for by employees. The family-father - me - is ambivalent about it in the weekly schedule. For us parents, it often involves much less organizational effort, but on the other hand, the vacuum of the weekend has to be filled in a meaningful way. Funnily enough, today's children can no longer cope with boredom. In my memory, boredom did exist in my childhood, but it was always the source of new ideas, games and unexpectedly exciting days.

There are things you can never imagine

At least that's how I remember it. However, if there's one thing I've learned in my eleven years as a father, it's that I shouldn't trust this memory under any circumstances. My view of my world as a non-father was nowhere near how I remember it today and, conversely, my world as a father was nowhere near how I would have imagined it as a non-father. If that's somehow understandable now. But I digress.

The weekend-vacuum

We were actually talking about the weekend and the vacuum of non-existent appointments.. Child 1 used this today (Saturday) for an appointment with a good friend. The two of them spent the whole morning hanging in the air like fake fifties (does that expression exist in the english language?). Child 1 wants to go out and light a fire, the visitor doesn't like it. It's so smelly. Then there's lunch for everyone. During the meal, the gaze falls on a Nerf gun. Finally. Within a very short time, they agree to have a Nerf battle. Child 2 wants to join in too. Child 3 joins in later.

It's going well. The children are having fun. The vacuum is filled, but it's about to get even better. The visitor is sent ahead. If I couldn't join in. I consider it, after all, I'm in the middle of defrosting the freezer. Somehow I feel like it, but often my participation in such games leads to additional conflicts. I hesitate.

Defrost or fight?

So I continue defrosting the freezer, and in my mind, thoughts revolve around the simple invitation from the children to participate in their game. I remember my childhood. I can't recall my parents ever participating in such things. It was more realistic that my much older brothers would have taken on such a role, and indeed I remembered a trip to the outdoor pool with my brothers and two of my friends.

That was probably one of the most carefree outings in my young life. My oldest brother had just gotten his driver's license, we drove off in my parents' car, and it was a total feeling of freedom, but also of pride because the big brothers were there. It was something special that I haven't forgotten to this day, also because it would never happen again after that, as my brother had this accident and our whole life was turned upside down in the following winter.⁠

And so I stood in front of the freezer and thought that it would certainly be great for the kids if I had a Nerf battle with them. And that's how it turned out to be. I hope they will always remember this moment too, and in this case not because it should never happen again, but because it should simply be a beautiful moment in a series of beautiful moments.⁠⁠​

What’s the meaning of that?

And for me, it was also a step towards greater light-heartedness. For me, that's also part of being free. Enjoying moments like this more with my children. Something that wasn't a given in recent years, because family-life was difficult and because I couldn't free myself out of fear of conflicts and problems. Also because there is always work to be done and every delay creates a new problem. At least that's what I often believe.

But right now, I feel like I'm swimming free. And not running free. Never not thinking about running is just disappearing.⁠ It vanishes. No question, I still love it, but its importance could be shifting to the core of running and not a replacement function. But we’ll talk in a few weeks. The skeptic in me is still there.

PS. Sunday was actually the chaos day because the weather was terrible, everyone was tired and we didn't really get out to do anything.

Mental health update

A lot of movement in me these days as you can see by the last two newsletters.

Running Update

Had to pause again for a few days. Got a cold, like everyone else in the family.

The end:

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