043 👻 One of my biggest fears..

..and why it is not anymore!

Welcome to my email newsletter 'Never not [thinking about] running' - a weekly newsletter about running and mental health. If you haven't subscribed yet and you're not sure whether you really want to receive an e-mail from me on every Thursday, have a look at the archive. Today's newsletter deals with a fear that I've had from time to time in the past, but which I really became aware of this year.

To cut a long story short. One of my biggest fears is losing the desire to run. Running has given me so much in my life. A reason to bond with my father. To feel sore muscles for the first time. To excel. To feel free. To discover new places. To meet like-minded people. Overcoming boundaries. I could probably continue this list for a few more paragraphs. Or what does running mean to you?

Where it all started with running

I got into running through my father. He had a heart attack and was supposed to do more exercise afterwards. He went running. I went with him and I quickly realised that it was the first time I was ahead of my schoolmates in sports. I was never bad in PE lessons, but I was always the smallest and unfortunately that also affected my performance, which wasn't measured in metres per height in the long throw for example.

However, my height was never a disadvantage when it came to running. And so I learnt to love running quite quickly and it never let go of me. Over the years, it became more and more important and more and more benefits accumulated around running. After decades of on/off running, I have now been lacing up my shoes regularly for 10 years. It's an integral part of my life.

Afraid of losing the joy in running

And to come back to the starting point. It would be a shame if I lost interest in running because it ticks more boxes than almost any other leisure activity. Every now and then I feel tired of it, but I actually always have some kind of goal that I'm pursuing with running and if I don't, then just getting my shoes out and leaving the house for a little run is enough to make me damn happy.

This year I had a pretty rough phase in the summer where I felt very overwhelmed. My head and also my body were signalling to me that I needed some space and so I took a step back. I often let things slide. Then I'd catch some nasty infection or maybe coronavirus with a persistent headache and 4-6 runs a week turned into 2-3 and sometimes no runs at all because I didn't feel up to it.

Do I want to go out and torment myself?

When I had time off in the evening, I asked myself the question: do I want to go out and run now? After this long break - do I want to start again from a point where running might be difficult again? Wouldn't I rather put my feet up, read something or watch some banal YouTube video? More and more often, I found it easy to leave my shoes in the wardrobe and take it easy instead and after a while, I actually started to have doubts. Surely I should get out and run again? Surely that's not right!? Is there something wrong with me? What was happening? I couldn't really tell, but I felt a kind of fear that the running chapter was coming to an end.

What I probably didn't realise was that maybe I just wasn't ready yet. I wasn't fit enough yet, that I still needed a bit of a break and that my body was clearly signalling this to me. So it was all the better last week when I went out on the trails again, with stomach rumblings and doubts beforehand and unbridled motivation afterwards. Within 45 minutes I was infected with the running virus again.

There are fears and fears

And if I'm honest, there are enough things to worry about today and in recent years. Things to be afraid of and things to be afraid of in the future. Pandemics, climate change, fascist presidents - this list could go on and on. But losing the desire to run, this fear, will probably no longer appear on this list.

Running update

Three more runs in the books. It is far from easy, but it doesn’t matter. I will get to the point, where it feels like that again.

Mental health update

Too much work, to many ill children here in the family, but despite that, not bad.

The end

📸 If you want to see and read more of my work, find my LinkedIn-page here and my Instagram account here. If you are interested in my running, have a look at Strava.

👨🏽‍❤️‍👨🏼 If you liked to receive this piece of writing, please consider to share it with others who might enjoy it as well.

💛 If you like what you read you can always support me by using this Amazon Affiliate Link. Your support is greatly appreciated!

🗄 Here is an archive of previous posts.

🖋 You are dearly invited to reply to this email to open up a conversation.