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Twenty-four years ago, I wanted to run my first marathon. I never did. And honestly, I’ve never really regretted it.

Over the years, new goals kept showing up. Most of them involved long runs. A half marathon here, a trail race there. Or just the wish to run long, far, a lot. Running made me happy. I wanted to do it every day and never get enough.

Life had other plans.

In 2002, you couldn’t build training plans online. I wasn’t in a running club. I had no coach. I figured I’d manage on my own. For a while, it went well. Then it didn’t. I was exhausted all the time, and eventually I got sick. The seed was planted: long distances and me - that’s not going to work. In the years that followed, I sometimes stopped running altogether, because every time I started again, things fell apart shortly after. I didn’t know how to handle running.

2015 was when I finally laced up my shoes and didn’t have to stop again. I’ve never had to put them away since, and that decade of running has given me a lot. But the seed from back then was still in the ground. Long distances and me? Not friends. High mileage? Not for me. Hard training? It breaks me.

Hitting the wall - mentally and physically

Whenever I chased a bigger goal, sooner or later I’d hit the wall. Usually after two or three months, I’d be so drained that my mental state would collapse along with my body. What was that? Overtraining? My doctor didn’t know what to make of it either. I restructured my training, stuck to 5K races, and was genuinely happy with that.

Nothing wrong with running 40–50K a week and keeping your long runs at 15K. I had my small personal wins. Good enough. Except it wasn’t for me, not really. To run a faster 5K, you need more mileage. And wanting more mileage while knowing it breaks you - that’s the loop I couldn’t get out of.

Over the last few years, I tried a lot of things. None of it worked. Running felt like my salvation and my damnation at the same time. It gets me out of my head, out of my small world and then it destroys me. My body breaks down, my mind follows, my other anxieties come crawling back.

Chasing the change

Last year I started to feel like something had to change. My diet, for one. After last summer, I completely redid my breakfast. Porridge, fruit, easier on the stomach. A first improvement. I added pulses at lunch, protein and all that. Breakfast stayed. The rest came and went. I started spring training solidly, then a flu hit. I came back, kept running, hit the wall again.

Always tired. Always in a bad mood. High mileage or challenging training just doesn’t work for me. I have to pull back.

Really AI?

Around that time I’d been reading about AI-assisted training. Wait, wait - don’t leave me here. I described my whole misery to my computer. Which is absurd. But in this case it was genuinely useful. The AI asked questions. Looked at my runs. Analyzed things. I answered. After a long time and I mean a long time, because in between I also got my blood work checked - it turned out that I probably wasn’t eating enough. Not enough calories. Not getting enough protein. Some vitamins missing.

That’s when I remembered 2002.

I was still living with my parents, but things with my mother were terrible. She wasn’t speaking to me, so I ate alone in my room. I had a kettle. I made packet soups. Ate some white bread with it. That was it. And I was running a marathon training plan on top of that. Those two things had no business being in the same life. And the pattern stayed with me for years afterward. Not doing well, mentally or physically. So I eat less. But food matters. Not just during a run. Before and after too.

I always thought I was eating enough. I wasn’t.

And I only figured that out because of this fucking AI.

Today

I eat more now. Differently. More protein. Vitamins. And for the past month or two, my training looks completely different. I want to run longer. I can run longer. And the next day I’m not wrecked. Personal records on the long distances are just happening at the moment. Almost automatically. Long distances and me might actually become friends after all. We’ll talk in a few weeks.

Life has taught me to be skeptical. But right now, I feel like this might really be it.

It's great that you've read this far. If any of this sounds familiar, send it to someone who might need it. Or just leave a comment. I read every one.

📸 If you want to see and read more of my work, find my LinkedIn-page here and my Instagram personal account here. Running thoughts in moving pictures you will find on this IG and this TikTok-Channel If you are interested in my running, have a look at Strava.

🗄 Here is an archive of previous posts.

This is issue 054 and the first one in a while. A lot has happened. Some of it good, some of it less so. Either way, I’m back, I have a goal and apparently from Running Sucks is partly to blame for that. More on all of that below

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Tired of it all
I just came out of the bedroom. My daughter is finally asleep. I would have loved to just stay lying there. Just sleep. But downstairs the boys are still up. They’re watching The Hobbit and my wife has been away for a few days and will be for a little while longer. So there are good reasons to be tired, but it’s not that kind of tired. It’s more of a deep-seated, persistent tiredness that no amount of sleep can magic away.

Do you know the story of Gulliver? I can’t quite piece it together anymore. At some point Gulliver lands on an island full of tiny people who tie him to the ground while he is knocked-out. He’s big and strong compared to them, but they still manage to restrain him and force him into stillness. There he lies, unable to break free. And that’s how I feel every now and then. Tied down, not by little people (which could be my children), but by the obligations that come with being a father of three when you’re trying to share the care work as fairly as possible. Pulled from all sides, and then there’s work and life and everyday stuff on top of that.

Running - the healing force?
You could see running as a healing force. It’s often said how much you find peace when you run. That everything gets better after an hour in the forest. Nah not really. It can help when you’re stressed and need to breathe, but running doesn’t replace proper therapy. I’ve noticed this more and more over the past few years: too much is happening around me for even running to bring me down from it. And that’s not good.

What sometimes helps is giving running a different meaning. Changing direction. Setting a goal. That can add pressure, but it can also get you out the door and give you something to build on.

Giving running another meaning
I actually started 2026 well. The first training month went solidly, then came influenza in February and the return in March. That felt surprisingly easy at first. Then came the setback. The illness, the stress, all of it had taken quite a bit from the energy account. And so I found myself dragging again. Running made me tired, which spilled into everything else. Then the realization that I’d been neglecting my recovery and that suddenly cutting out meat without replacing it properly wasn’t helping. Readjust. Then better. Then this, then that. The eternal ride on the razor’s edge.

So here I am in April. Running makes sense again for now and I’m up for it, but there are still enough things I need to sort out.

The goal
To keep the motivation going, I’ve set myself a goal for this year: a new PB. Sub-17:15 on 5k. 14 seconds faster than last year. Shaving a little more time off before I turn 50 next year. And I also want to write more about middle distance training here, so it’s not always the cool, hardcore, pain-riddled ultra runners getting all the glory on Substack. Wink wink.

A few words to close.

Over the past few weeks, emails from Substack have been trickling in. A new follower here, a new subscriber there, without me having done much of anything this year. I owe that mostly to Raziq from Running Sucks, whose newsletter is going through the roof and whose recommendation gave this little newsletter a moment in the spotlight. That feels like a responsibility too, and it’s had me thinking about where this goes from here.

I think the subject matter of this newsletter is important, but I also want to report more from my training. The everyday running stuff we all know. As mentioned in the last newsletter, I also want to share short videos on various platforms and dig into things a bit more here. You can find the links down below.

Good to have you along.

PS: If you enjoyed this, passing it on to someone who might feel the same way is the best thing you can do for this newsletter.

📸 If you want to see and read more of my work, find my LinkedIn-page here and my Instagram personal account here. Running thoughts in moving pictures you will find on this IG and this TikTok-Channel If you are interested in my running, have a look at Strava.

🗄 Here is an archive of previous posts.

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How was the overall running year?

It’s December 28, 2025, and over the past four weeks I’ve maybe run 12 kilometers (I’m ill). That’s frustrating and annoying, but I’d still describe this running year as one of the best of the last ten. In short, I’ve been pretty consistent, and I reached my A-goal: a new 5K PB. Great.

How was my (mental) health?

The beginning of the year was difficult. I was confronted very directly with my anxieties, and there was a lot of stress across many different areas of my life, to the point that I was prescribed antidepressants. I was in such a deep hole and felt that I wouldn’t be able to get out of it without external help (in the form of medication).

In the end, though, I did manage it without pills, and I even made some progress. As of today, I would say that I’m as stable as I’ve been in years. Therapy, family, friends, naming the problem, and running were all extremely helpful.

It was a lot of work, and I still suspect another relapse behind every stone along the way - but still. The stability is there, and that feels good. As I said, there were also some extremely deep lows, where I saw my life as barely worth living.

How many k did I run this year?

1745k. A number that shows me that I don’t actually have to rack up that many kilometers to achieve good results. Not to mention the enjoyment. But as I said, December was a complete flop, and January and February were also months best forgotten.

The best/worst race?

Maybe I should start with the number of races. Eight races. That’s more than I’ve ever done in a single year. On top of that came the monthly test races. I had to skip December, which leaves me with 13 runs under race conditions on the books. Wow. That helped enormously in the end to achieve the result I wanted.

Accordingly, the best race was the season highlight in October: 5K in 17:28. The perfect race - perfectly paced, perfectly executed.

The worst race, or perhaps the race I enjoyed the least, was a run in June. Sweltering heat, not really feeling fit, and although I finished second, it was far below my potential. On top of that, I accelerated in the wrong corner on the tight city-center course - it was one too early - and then I was missing the punch in the final sprint.

All in all, frustrating, but another valuable experience.

The best/worst training run this year?

I don’t know how many times I’ve been to the Allgäu by now, but running there is a joy every single time. The mountains aren’t as rugged as in the deeper Alps - your gaze is drawn upward, but it can also wander far into the distance. You mostly meet cheerful people, friendly locals, jog past cows, and I find myself simply enjoying life in that atmosphere. Just hearing the sound of cowbells already makes me relax.

It’s hardly surprising, then, that my most beautiful training run took place there as well. Up to a familiar “Alpe” - kind of a restaurant - and then continuing around the area. There’s nothing better.

Another really nice session was on the track: a warm-up, then 2 × (1.6 km / 3 minutes + 4 × 0.2 km / 30 seconds), followed by a cool-down. All of it shortly before my A-race in October, with the realization that I was fit. That felt good.

Bad training runs were pretty much nonexistent,but really, training is always a pleasure anyway. A positive contribution came from slightly adjusting my nutrition this year, which left me with significantly more energy overall.

How many personal bests?

One PB. One unofficial and one official. At the end of August, during one of my training runs under race conditions, I ran a 17:19 over 5K. I’ll admit there was a decent downhill section at the beginning, but it felt great. And then, in early October, I ran my official 5K PB in a race.

The longest run?

24K. However and I’d set this as a goal last year for this year - the focus in 2025 was supposed to be on training for 5K races, and that’s exactly what I did. Accordingly, there were very few long runs, and when there were any - like this one - they were purely just for fun.

The shortest run?

Several 5.something runs. Slow and easy - just to get your body moving.

My favorite training?

I wanted to do one 5K run under race conditions every month. In the end, those were training runs as well, and I have to say I really enjoyed that. A bit like a race, but not quite. No pressure, just running as fast as possible.

Which training sessions do I dislike?

Copy, paste from the last two years. The long-runs weren’t that important, but… “Still the long, slow runs.”

How many new routes have I explored?

This year I didn’t explore many new routes. One or two new races, a few new routes in the Allgäu, and a longer easy run in the spring here in the area. My sense of adventure was pretty limited.

How many pairs of shoes did I run in?

Eight different pairs of shoes. Mostly Hoka Mach models in various versions—the Mach 6, as well as the first and third Mach X models and I also laced up a few regular NNormal Tomir 2.0s. One of all pairs reached 816 kilometers, the others logged between 100 and 400 kilometers.

What equipment did I not want to do without this year?

Normally, shoes are a given for me, but I actually felt so good racing in the Adidas Takumi Sen that it’s worth mentioning. In general, I noticed this year just how important good shoes are. As mentioned above, I ran more than 800 kilometers in one pair and then started having hip issues that I couldn’t explain at first. Once I switched to a new pair, that cleared up quickly.

What did I learn last year?

What did I learn? Quite a lot. It’s good to talk about your problems, even if it might feel embarrassing at first. I learned that good nutrition really matters and how that works for me personally. And the same goes for strength training with kettlebells, which I’ve been doing more and more. For the first time, I actually noticed an effect with strength training after a short period of time, without finding it unbearably boring or overly exhausting.

What do I still need to learn?

Stay relaxed and if that’s not possible, find my way back to my center. Don’t apply every standard I set for myself to others.

Who or what helped me this year?

My wife, my kids, my friends, my therapist. Probably not a new realization, but it likely works for almost everyone out there depending on who’s available to them.

What am I most grateful for this year?

About my running year, which, contrary to expectations, worked out exactly the way I had imagined it would. The realization that even more is possible. Of course, beyond that I’m grateful for my family and friends, but also for the support systems that I and we as a family made extensive use of this year.

What do I expect from next year?

I want to create more, not in the sense of having to get even more done, but rather in the sense of creating beautiful things, beautiful moments. That would be nice.

What are my goals for 2026?

I think, in terms of running, I’ll continue working on the 5K, and if everything goes well, maybe I can increase the volume a bit. A faster time would be a bonus. We’ll see. And otherwise, like I said above, create beautiful things/moments.

Small add-on:

If everything works out, I’ll run this Instagram and this TikTok channel in parallel, with identical content. Partly for professional reasons - I wanted to test that - and also simply to create things.

The end:

📸 If you want to see and read more of my work, find my LinkedIn-page here and my Instagram personal account here. Running thoughts in moving pictures you will find on this IG and this TikTok-Channel If you are interested in my running, have a look at Strava.

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The year is coming to an end and the season of year-in-review posts, summaries and wrapped-ups begins. A large part of the population enjoys the fact that a digital tool can squeeze their life into simple numbers. The otherwise complicated existence suddenly becomes manageable. “Hey, I like 80s-indie-hip-hop-eurocore music. Great. Learned something new this year.” Or: “I ran 2,745 miles this year, mostly with Jason from the neighborhood. Hey buddy, nice to know!”

Things get tricky when contradictory information pops up – like when your musical age is supposedly 21, but you run as if your 48-year-old self is trying to escape through your lungs.

Either way: I like these gimmicks. I like year-end summaries, and I like taking a closer look. Especially when I feel the year went well.

A start to the year that was anything but glorious

Like 2025. I’m pretty sure a year has rarely started as miserably as this one. For what felt like two months, the whole family was trapped in a winter-virus emergency. If there were a Wrapped-Up for the most-used household item during illness, it would’ve been the bucket. That time completely exhausted me – but it also made it painfully clear that my emetophobia is a real issue.

Courage, fear, and small steps outward

So I decided to be more open about it. I faced difficult situations and consciously chose to expose myself to my fear. It worked surprisingly well. Not always, and there were setbacks, but overall: better. Much better. My therapist said I’ll probably never get rid of it completely, but it can get better. And that’s at least comforting.

The school situation: a difficult but right decision

The second major theme of the year was the school situation with Child 2. Daily arguments, tears, refusal to go, the overwhelming feeling that the whole world is terrible – in a nine-year-old. In the spring we finally pulled the ripcord, enrolled him in a different school, got help. Nine months later I’d say things have improved a good bit. We often doubted whether we had done the right thing, but today I believe that this difficult step was the right one. For him, and for us.

Back to training – and the quiet pressure of numbers

By March I finally had enough breathing room to return to running. My goal for 2025: twelve runs under “race-like conditions.” At least one per month. Either actual races or training runs done as fast as possible. Full focus on my favorite distance: 5K. Ideally finishing the season with a PB and a club record. Target: sub 17:30.

Despite illness and stress, I had already completed my runs in January and February, and kept it up consistently through November. And overall it went really well. In the summer I impulsively ran a half marathon, which threw me off a bit, but otherwise the year was smooth – and with manageable effort. I keep noticing that I don’t need huge volume, but that high-quality, well-tailored training works far better for me.

When Wrapped Isn’t Only Motivating

And at the same time, I notice how quickly numbers can turn into pressure – not just for me. Strava year-end stats or running-wrapped posts can be motivating, but they can also feel like an unspoken competition. Especially for people coming back from injuries, illness, or mental lows, they can be discouraging. So I try to remind myself: numbers only tell part of the story. The rest happens on the trails, in the moments that can’t be measured. And that’s actually the most important part.

Anyway: the PB and the club record worked out. And when I look ahead, it doesn’t feel like I’ve hit a wall. On the contrary: there’s still room to grow. Maybe also because this year I finally did something right that I’d ignored for far too long: nutrition.

Nutrition: the underestimated puzzle piece

I have to admit that I’ve probably been slightly underfueled my whole life. I could certainly have eaten worse, but whenever training got more intense, my body would collapse. This year I finally found a way to counterbalance that – and what a difference it makes. Recently I ran 100 kilometers in a week and it didn’t kill me immediately afterward. A completely new experience. A good feeling going into 2026: there’s still more possible.

The joy of running – beyond any statistic

Of course you could think this is all about numbers and records. But it’s not. Running really is fun for me. This year I had fewer motivation problems in the fall than ever before. A small trick was to run during my lunch break instead of in the dark at night. Sounds simple, but makes a huge difference. The transition into winter training feels much gentler that way.

On top of that I had so many wonderful runs simply for the sake of running. My love for the mountains has grown even more this year. So many incredible runs up there. I suspect that once I retire, I’ll end up somewhere near the Alps. And that’s really not that far away anymore.

And the rest? That can wait.

Of course there are things I didn’t do well this year. But that’s not what today is about.

The end

📸 If you want to see and read more of my work, find my LinkedIn-page here and my Instagram account here. If you are interested in my running, have a look at Strava.

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So you have to start somewhere when you haven’t written anything here for so long, so today I’m going to talk about the two big topics that are usually discussed here. Namely, my mental health and running. And to make a long story short, both areas have developed very positively.

The first small change and the impact of a good vacation

Back in May, I wrote about my emetophobia, and honestly, that felt good. Whenever it makes sense, I try to be more open about it. Realizing that I’m actually doing quite well and rarely have problems with it has helped push the whole thing further into the background over the past few months.

Facing it head-on — being in situations that used to make me nervous — has helped a lot too. One of my biggest challenges used to be long car rides, like the 8–9-hour trip with the kids when we go on vacation. But it went great! We had another amazing holiday, and that gave me a boost in confidence. Tomorrow we are going for another vacation to the french-belgian border at the Northsea.

Another small change I didn’t realize was important

On top of that, being able to switch off from work and stress, and letting other problems from the past months fade into the background, helped me relax deeply. But that’s not all. Before the trip, I often had stomach and digestive issues because of stress — which not only made the emetophobia more noticeable but also showed me that my diet wasn’t doing me any favors.

So after the vacation, I changed my diet — mainly my breakfast and lunch. That has led to me having fewer digestive problems, but it’s also given me a solid boost of energy. And that brings us to the other topic: running.

Was that the key?

Over the past few weeks, I’ve hardly experienced any exhaustion, and that’s ultimately helped me train much better. Funny how sometimes the puzzle pieces almost seem to fall into place on their own. After the vacation, I managed to train consistently well for almost ten weeks without ever feeling like I was about to hit a wall. WTF?

Chasing a new 5K-PB

The result was almost inevitable. My big goal this year was to fully focus on the 5K distance and set a new personal best. By the end of September, I ran a 17:19 in training — with a bit of cheating (1k slightly downhill). I got nervous before a race later that month when I started out aiming for a new PB and after 2k I realized it just wasn’t my day.

I almost quit that race, but in the end, I finished the race anyway. Two weeks later, it finally clicked: a 17:28 on the same course where I’d already set PBs in 2022 and 2023. Crazy. And honestly, it doesn’t feel like that’s the limit yet.

What now?

I’m really curious to see what happens next. Cold season is starting. The kids already have colds again, but so far everything seems to be passing me by. Knock on wood. I’m trying to stay relaxed and just take things as they come. Maybe I’ll run a few more races this year and then see how 2026 begins.

As for my mental health, I’m just as curious. Facing my fears successfully has made everything feel lighter. Having more energy makes everything lighter. A calmer digestive system makes everything better. But the what if is still there — that thought hasn’t disappeared completely. I’m still a bit skeptical about what winter will bring — but also optimistic.

The end

📸 If you want to see and read more of my work, find my LinkedIn-page here and my Instagram account here. If you are interested in my running, have a look at Strava.

👨🏽‍❤️‍👨🏼 If you liked to receive this piece of writing, please consider to share it with others who might enjoy it as well.

💛 If you like what you read you can always support me by using this Amazon Affiliate Link. Your support is greatly appreciated!

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If you've been around for a while, you know what this newsletter is about, if not here it comes - I'm writing about running, about (my) mental health and how that affects me (and my running). All from my very personal point of view. If you're interested, I'd be delighted if you subscribed to the newsletter.

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The progress

Now to the progress. Even in the first newsletters I wrote about feeling stuck and I don't feel free and that this is what I want to change. That was always a bit cryptic and I would like to apologize for that. I often wrote about being overwhelmed by family and everyday life, about things that I can't manage and that I therefore sit at home, where I feel safe. But I would actually like to go out. I do.

It was similar in therapy. My therapist and I kept circling around the same topics, but somehow we didn't make any progress in many respects because I had simply marginalized the fundamental problem.

Emetophobia

I have emetophobia. What is that? I'm afraid of vomiting or I'm afraid that other people will vomit in my presence. And I found it difficult to talk about it, even in front of my therapist.

Period.

That's it.

Okay. Vomiting is not nice. We can probably all agree on that. But it is an important function of the body. And for some, it may even be relieving in a positive sense. In running alone, and that's what we're often talking about here, there are so many people who accept vomiting as part of the whole thing when they take part in an ultra or a marathon. Some even boast about it.

What’s the thing?

Why is that a problem for me? It probably goes back to my childhood. As a kindergarten child, I once vomited in the supermarket. The reactions were rather average and I also had the feeling that I had done something wrong. Since then, the vomiting phobia has never left me. But it was as good as gone at times and then it was more present at other times. And I have to say that, unlike many other people with this phobia, I have a mild form.

I eat well because I'm not directly afraid of upsetting my stomach with this or that food. I still travel and leave the house. I can work. I can actually still do almost everything, BUT I like to avoid things, because of the fear of throwing up in public, for example, like back then in the supermarket. Even in front of my family. If I don't have an escape route, it stresses me out. On the train. In the car. At events. The fear is completely irrational because it never happened again afterwards and I can probably count the times I've thrown up in my life on two hands.

Many people who suffer from emetophobia are much worse off. Much worse. You can watch a lot of experience reports on YouTube.

Is there a chance of getting better?

How can it get better? Exposure. Expose yourself to the situations that have been problematic so far. So not the throwing up, but the situations like driving, etc. - Sounds easy and I'm now on the right track. Because that wasn't a problem for me before and I generally know how to do it.

It only gradually became really bad and clear to me at the beginning of the year when we had a stomach flu in the family for more or less two months and the issue of throwing up was omnipresent. That really got me down. And it has to be said that I'm much better off than other sufferers. (I already said that, I realized by reading my text again, but it’s important to know for me).

I can still clean up my children's vomit from the floor and hold the bucket, but at the start of the year it was all just a bit much.

The fact is, just admitting the problem to myself helps tremendously to tackle the problem and I feel absolutely better. Another point is to go public. And I'm currently doing that.

Progress.

The other progress: Running

This is a screenshot of my weekly running volume since the end of February. I've felt fit again since the end of February, haven't had any more infections and felt like getting back into running training properly. For the first time in my runninglife, I listened less to my heart and more to my mind.

In the past, it was usually. I'm healthy, so “Go for it!”. If I can run a lot, I run a lot. If I have time, I run. But not this time. Instead, steady progress. Not overdoing things. Increasing a little every week. And it works. I'm rarely overwhelmed or overtired. I don't feel so much pressure, I know that I can take it easy every now and then and in the meantime I'm getting closer to the level and weekly distance that I want to cover regularly.

While the weekly volume is increasing and the workload has also risen at first, it keeps falling despite the increase in distance because the training effect kicks in. So I can adjust now the intensity of the individual training session. Perfect. I've increased my 5K times from 19:40 minutes to 18:15 minutes since then and the plan is to aim for sub-18 in the next few weeks and then get towards a PB in the peak area. Let's see if that works.

I've never done it like this before and it feels really good. Wohoo.

News from the video department

Had my first race last weekend and did two video-notes about it.

The end:

📸 If you want to see and read more of my work, find my LinkedIn-page here and my Instagram account here. If you are interested in my running, have a look at Strava.

👨🏽‍❤️‍👨🏼 If you liked to receive this piece of writing, please consider to share it with others who might enjoy it as well.

💛 If you like what you read you can always support me by using this Amazon Affiliate Link. Your support is greatly appreciated!

🗄 Here is an archive of previous posts.

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Last year was a more than average year for me in terms of running. My big goal was a UTMB race in May. A race completely out of my comfort zone. 32 kilometers, 1200 vertical meters, in a different country, at a time of year when I'm far from my best form. That was the plan. A challenge. Pushing boundaries and all that. You know the concept. So I sat down at the beginning of the year and developed a plan on how I could do it. Taking enough time, planning breaks, expecting the unexpected, space for skipping a session, taking the time to achieve the big goal. This plan - commonly referred to as a training plan - failed miserably. And not for the first time, because training plans don't work for me.

Training plans are the key to success!

You're probably wondering why the training plan didn't work. Everyone uses a training plan like this. “The 12-week plan to master distance XY.” Google that. I think you'll rarely find examples of failure in this area. Sure, everyone has had to miss a week due to illness, or modify something here and there, but on the whole the plan works for most people. But why not for me?

When I do a bit of research into why such a training plan might not work, there are the classic and perfectly legitimate reasons.

1. Rigidity vs. Flexibility – Training plans often don’t account for life’s unpredictability, which can lead to guilt or frustration when you miss a session.

2. The Mental Load of Structure – Sticking to a strict plan can feel mentally exhausting rather than motivating, making running feel like a chore rather than an outlet.

3. Ignoring Your Body’s Signals – Training plans may push you to follow a schedule instead of listening to what your body actually needs, leading to burnout or injury.

4. Performance Anxiety – The pressure to hit specific paces or distances can take the joy out of running, turning it into another source of stress.

5. Comparing Yourself to the "Ideal" Runner – Following a plan designed for a generic athlete can make you feel like you’re failing when you don’t progress as expected.

6. The Joy of Running Freely – Exploring the mental health benefits of intuitive running—running when, how, and for as long as you feel like, instead of adhering to a schedule.

And yes - some of these points also apply to me. For example, when I look at last year and the UTMB plan (you can do this here), I see that everything went according to plan for four weeks, but then the first illness crept in and threw everything into disarray (point 1). The plan should have been constantly adjusted backwards, but instead I just started at the point where I should have been. Stupid as I am, I could perhaps have factored in 1.5 weeks of downtime. I did a bit, but not enough, so I was soon sick again (point 3).

Furthermore, a fixed plan always stresses me out, because what's in the plan has to be done, otherwise it won't work (point 2). I'm actually the type of person who doesn't go home from the office until the desk is ideally empty and the to-do list has been ticked off, and it's the same with training plans. If there's an interval session on Thursday, I'll do it. The long run on Saturday. Okay, exceptionally also on Sunday, but on Monday it continues according to plan.

Why do I fail?

And this stress usually results in failure for me. This has probably happened 3-4 times before major races. Incidentally, always competitions in the half marathon to marathon range. Outside my comfort zone and always bearing in mind that I'm not just going to tear it off, but have to be prepared accordingly. With a training plan.

And how do I succeed?

That all sounds pretty stressful. But there's also the other part of my running life and that's the “I don't need a training plan” type, just “guard rails” to keep me on track. I always write here that competitions over 10 kilometers are outside my comfort zone, but if I'm honest, I should admit to myself that even 5-kilometer races and their preparation are anything but always feel-good days. If you want to do well in this area, you have to let it rip in training and a race like this is anything but a pleasure run.

But I like it and I also like preparing for a 5K season, which, funnily enough, as I said before, is only shaped by these guard rails. I manage well with a maximum of 40-70 training kilometers, I usually run 1-2 intensive units per week, a longer run and a recovery run and that's it. The order doesn't really matter, nor do the days. If I feel like it, I sometimes run 25 kilometers instead of 15. If I feel bad the next day, I do a recovery run and otherwise I skip the session. I look at myself and feel into my body and that works for me. The results, especially from the season before last, speak for themselves and the best thing is that I had an incredible amount of fun. Fun that I often didn't have during training plans.

So, no training plan this year. More fun. Better results. What about you? Do you need a plan? Can you let a plan be a plan?

Mental health update

I try to keep at the moment a bit out of the newsletter, because the first two months were pretty rough and I want to keep these newsletters a bit more positive. Maybe more of it in a few weeks.

Running update

Did my second of 12 5k-runs under competitive conditions. I’ll put them here. Last two weeks were pretty good. Getting back to consistent running.

The end:

📸 If you want to see and read more of my work, find my LinkedIn-page here and my Instagram account here. If you are interested in my running, have a look at Strava.

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Who cares about times?

19 minutes and 18 seconds. I vowed to start this first newsletter of the year with something positive. 19 minutes and 18 seconds. That's the time it took me to run 5 kilometres at the end of January. At the end of last year I set myself the goal of completing a 5K run under race conditions every month. I do this in summer anyway - not so much in winter.

I thought that this would help me to concentrate on this distance after training for long distances for a very long time last year only to realise again that I'm not a long-distance runner and then spend the rest of the year unable to get my feet on the ground at speed.

Trying to find something positive

So this year I'm focussing on my strengths. 19 minutes and 18 seconds is a good 1 3/4 minutes off my best time - so why is that the positive thing about this newsletter? Well, it's because I'm usually far from my best in January. And yes - that's what this time is, but still, I would never have expected this time.

The last time I ran faster was in September 2024 in a real competition and actually at a time when I was supposed to be running around in top form and it was just an 18:37. Ultimately, that means that the last five months or so were more or less crap. And back to the positives. I only ran that fast for the first time last year in June - a 19:06.

The not so nice start of the year

And now a 19:18. Without training. Just like that. And that brings us to the shitty part of this newsletter. The start of this year. This issue of the newsletter - the number 48 - should have been published on December 27th, but then it all started. After child 3 had a stomach virus before and on Christmas, child 1 started shortly before New Year's Eve, child 2 after New Year's Eve and me too. After that, we were all completely off the rails. In mid-January I was so exhausted that I took a week and a half off sick at work to recover, but no joke, a different child was sick every day, so there was no chance of recovery.

Then back to work, then stomach virus number 2 at the end of the month and the whole thing started all over again. I got it last week. I think that out of the six weeks of 2025, I felt like a human being for maybe one week and the rest of the time I was just in survival mode.

Summing it up

That's how I feel mentally too. Looking after sick, crying, screaming children for such a long time while also being sick myself, barely leaving the house, not having a minute to myself, was and still is a huge challenge. But I want to come back full circle to a positive thing. Things can only get better!

Other news from the running department

I ran 80k this year. If I’m trying to stay on the positive vibes-train, then this means, that I ran more than a mile per day. That’s what streak runners do. 😂

An update from the mental health department

Started journaling (not running, but life) the other day. Supposedly this helps with all sorts of things. We’ll see how long I manage to do that.

The end:

📸 If you want to see and read more of my work, find my LinkedIn-page here and my Instagram account here. If you are interested in my running, have a look at Strava.

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How was the overall running year?

Last year I wrote that I had actually had other plans and everything turned out differently, and this year was no different. Originally, the UTMB was planned for May, after which the year was supposed to transition into shorter competitions. Unfortunately, neither one nor the other materialized. Somehow none of it was really good. The training volume was good in the first half of the year, non-existent in the second half. But I can live with that.

How was my (mental) health?

It's difficult to draw a conclusion on this question. My mental health has definitely improved. The family situation has stabilized, which means less stress, and thanks to therapy I've made progress in several areas, such as dealing with illnesses and the associated fact that I can't run as much during those times. Nevertheless, there were stressful and challenging situations, but overall I feel better equipped to deal with crises. My general health was okay, but in the second half of the year it was rather hindering with various minor issues, childhood illnesses, and so on. There weren't really any injuries either. My thigh would tighten up from time to time, but that was about it.

How many k did I run this year?

It's heading towards 1600k (last year around 1900k), which makes this the second-worst output in the last 10 years.

The best/worst race?

Last year I wrote that I hadn't had a single bad race because I could assess my strengths and weaknesses well. Lol. This year was quite different in many ways. Let's start with the best race. In April, I ran my first half marathon race. Coming out of a longer period of illness, it went really well. The race was fun and a completely new experience, as HM races and 5K races are vastly different. The half marathon in July also went well, although I had expected a better time. It still ended up being a PB.

The worst race was a 10K race in June at around 30°C. I hadn't eaten enough and completely broke down after two laps on the circuit that had to be completed four times. I completely misjudged myself in that race. Towards the end of summer, I had another 5K race, but that didn't go according to plan either. So next year can only get better.

The best/worst training run this year?

As mentioned before. The running year was rather mixed. The worst training run was this one.

The best or most beautiful one was once again in the Allgäu. Going up and down in summer is one of the most beautiful things you can do on vacation. Also surprisingly great was this training run. 25K so fast without it being strenuous. Well - a little bit towards the end.

How many personal bests?

One HM-PB. (Last year: Two 5k-PBs.)

The longest run?

The longest run was also the worst run (see above). However, I did run over 30K again this year and that run was really nice.

The shortest run?

3k. Stopped after realizing that my thigh might need a few days of rest.

My favorite training?

In my preparation for the UTMB, I ran up and down a "mountain" here 16 times. In total about 20k and 1000 meters of elevation gain. It was special, but also great. Next year again.

Which training sessions do I dislike?

Copy-Paste from last year. "Still the long, slow runs. I know they are important, but if I can avoid them, I will."

How many new routes have I explored?

I'm still finding new routes in the area here, which surprises me. Especially because I often ran much further out in the first half of the year, several new paths were recorded. Additionally, a few new routes in the Allgäu, as we spent our vacation in a different area.

How many pairs of shoes did I run in?

8 different pairs of shoes (Last year: 9 different pairs). I covered the most kilometers in the Hoka Mach X - almost 800k.

What equipment did I not want to do without this year?

A new heart rate monitor from Coros. It is on your arm and not on your chest. Pretty reliable and much more comfortable.

What did I learn last year?

That not running isn't the end of the world. That was essential this year and a huge huge step.

What do I still need to learn?

Still need to learn how to properly dose training.

Who or what helped me this year?

Easy answer. Therapy helped a lot this year.

What am I most grateful for this year?

I'm 47. I definitely don't take it for granted that running is still going so well.

What do I expect from next year?

A somewhat more consistent year 2025. Clearer goals and consequently better results.

What are my goals for 2025?

In 2025, I will focus more on shorter distances again. That's simply what I enjoy the most.

The end:

📸 If you want to see and read more of my work, find my LinkedIn-page here and my Instagram account here. If you are interested in my running, have a look at Strava.

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It's that time of the year again. As parents, it's time to create a cozy feeling at home, craft advent calendars for three children (does this exist outside of Germany - a calendar where children can open a small package every day?), spend Sundays with the grandparents, consider whether to buy a real tree or a plastic tree for Christmas, and what to put under said tree.

That's 72 packages, you couldn't possibly have managed that alone. Maybe there really is an elf who helps!? (Kid2 wonders)

Additionally, surprisingly, work piles up just before the turn of the year, and here and there, conferences or Christmas-parties for the department of 150 people, need to be organized quickly. What can you do? Take a vacation. I had so much remaining vacation time that taking a week off was more than justified, and I used the time well to order presents and mainly lounge in bed during the mornings.

There was a good reason for that, as the second half of the year was marked by various ailments and minor illnesses, including last week. Feeling fit rarely happened between July and December. For whatever reason, but as described in previous newsletters, I'm relatively relaxed, which is mostly because my relationship with running is much more relaxed. When I'm sick, I just stay at home.

Actually, I would have liked to buy a sauna at the end of the year, but somehow we felt that it would make our garden look terribly cluttered. It was just an idea to prevent the usual colds because we rarely make it to the sauna.

And so in the second half of the year, maybe 500-550 kilometers of running came together. The plan was around 1000-1200k. That's how it goes. And I don’t know in this moment what I feel when I look at these numbers. At times, I was afraid that I might lose interest in running. However, that feeling is now gone because I'm also looking forward to running more again soon.

In the end, I think what prevails is the joy of knowing that my life no longer falls apart when I don't complete my targeted weekly mileage, though on the other hand, I recently haven't had any real goals to work towards. At the beginning of the year, it was the UTMB, then a fast half-marathon time (with a successful PB in summer), and I wanted to end the year with some fast 5K races, but that's when the illness misery began.

Besides, I had already achieved quite a bit in this area last year, so I was satisfied with that. So that was it for this year. And for next year, I only know that I'll focus more on shorter distances again. The long stuff still doesn't align with time and body. Maybe when the kids are older, but right now it doesn't fit.

Mental health update

Next therapy session is next year. Looking forward to that. Made some progress this year, which I really appreciate, but there is still work to do.

Running Update

No running at the moment. Looking forward to new running projects next year.

The end:

📸 If you want to see and read more of my work, find my LinkedIn-page here and my Instagram account here. If you are interested in my running, have a look at my Strava.

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Weekend. Often longed for by employees. The family-father - me - is ambivalent about it in the weekly schedule. For us parents, it often involves much less organizational effort, but on the other hand, the vacuum of the weekend has to be filled in a meaningful way. Funnily enough, today's children can no longer cope with boredom. In my memory, boredom did exist in my childhood, but it was always the source of new ideas, games and unexpectedly exciting days.

There are things you can never imagine

At least that's how I remember it. However, if there's one thing I've learned in my eleven years as a father, it's that I shouldn't trust this memory under any circumstances. My view of my world as a non-father was nowhere near how I remember it today and, conversely, my world as a father was nowhere near how I would have imagined it as a non-father. If that's somehow understandable now. But I digress.

The weekend-vacuum

We were actually talking about the weekend and the vacuum of non-existent appointments.. Child 1 used this today (Saturday) for an appointment with a good friend. The two of them spent the whole morning hanging in the air like fake fifties (does that expression exist in the english language?). Child 1 wants to go out and light a fire, the visitor doesn't like it. It's so smelly. Then there's lunch for everyone. During the meal, the gaze falls on a Nerf gun. Finally. Within a very short time, they agree to have a Nerf battle. Child 2 wants to join in too. Child 3 joins in later.

It's going well. The children are having fun. The vacuum is filled, but it's about to get even better. The visitor is sent ahead. If I couldn't join in. I consider it, after all, I'm in the middle of defrosting the freezer. Somehow I feel like it, but often my participation in such games leads to additional conflicts. I hesitate.

Defrost or fight?

So I continue defrosting the freezer, and in my mind, thoughts revolve around the simple invitation from the children to participate in their game. I remember my childhood. I can't recall my parents ever participating in such things. It was more realistic that my much older brothers would have taken on such a role, and indeed I remembered a trip to the outdoor pool with my brothers and two of my friends.

That was probably one of the most carefree outings in my young life. My oldest brother had just gotten his driver's license, we drove off in my parents' car, and it was a total feeling of freedom, but also of pride because the big brothers were there. It was something special that I haven't forgotten to this day, also because it would never happen again after that, as my brother had this accident and our whole life was turned upside down in the following winter.⁠

And so I stood in front of the freezer and thought that it would certainly be great for the kids if I had a Nerf battle with them. And that's how it turned out to be. I hope they will always remember this moment too, and in this case not because it should never happen again, but because it should simply be a beautiful moment in a series of beautiful moments.⁠⁠​

What’s the meaning of that?

And for me, it was also a step towards greater light-heartedness. For me, that's also part of being free. Enjoying moments like this more with my children. Something that wasn't a given in recent years, because family-life was difficult and because I couldn't free myself out of fear of conflicts and problems. Also because there is always work to be done and every delay creates a new problem. At least that's what I often believe.

But right now, I feel like I'm swimming free. And not running free. Never not thinking about running is just disappearing.⁠ It vanishes. No question, I still love it, but its importance could be shifting to the core of running and not a replacement function. But we’ll talk in a few weeks. The skeptic in me is still there.

PS. Sunday was actually the chaos day because the weather was terrible, everyone was tired and we didn't really get out to do anything.

Mental health update

A lot of movement in me these days as you can see by the last two newsletters.

Running Update

Had to pause again for a few days. Got a cold, like everyone else in the family.

The end:

📸 If you want to see and read more of my work, find my LinkedIn-page here and my Instagram account here. If you are interested in my running, have a look at my Strava.

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The opener

Anyone who has ever attended therapy or perhaps any seminar knows the question: “How are you here today? How are you?” - That's a difficult question. How do you answer it? Are you honest and answer in detail about what's on your mind at the moment, how it's affecting your mood and which idiot almost drove into your bike this morning? Or do you choose the option that you're doing quite well and we can get on with it now?

In therapy, you naturally tend to go for option number one. After all, you're in therapy to talk about everyday problems. The problem is that you might not reach your goal this way. You get lost in the little things, stop at every milk can in life with your therapy bus and yet you want to go to the sunny south to enjoy your life.

And yes, my therapy bus has made a lot of stops recently and every now and then, when we stop briefly at the top of a hill, I can see the sea glistening in the distance and imagine what it would be like to be there already. But we're not. Well... on we go.

I told my therapist the same thing the other day and she shared the same feeling. That sometimes the common thread is missing. So we sat together this week to take stock. To see where I stand.

Where is the way leading?

To do this, she drew up a barrel. When clients come to her, this barrel is usually full or already overflowing. What spills over are the symptoms that are bothering them. In the barrel itself are all the things that are bothering you. In my case, a lot of things came together and my therapist asked me how I felt about it.

To be honest, I had to swallow hard, because it's sometimes not so easy to name things, to realize how you feel. Seeing that so many symptoms keep cropping up and the barrel keeps spilling over also makes you doubt. Is this here actually doing any good?

Visualizing the good things

We carried on and then came the really exciting part. It would be good to have valves so that the barrel doesn't keep overflowing. That would help all the shit to run out in the right place. And in the past, my barrel was fitted with exactly one valve. Guess which one.

Yes - you are right. Running it is. And that's ok too, but it's just one valve and at that moment, the scales fell from my eyes. Hey - a lot has changed here. There is no longer just one valve. There are many more of them. How many times in the last few years have I despaired when I was ill and couldn't run? Countless times. But in the last few weeks, that wasn't an issue at all.

I picked up a book to read. I sat down at the computer and designed something on the 3D printer. I played a board game with my wife. This and that. No thought about how bad it is not to be able to go for a run to release pressure. Recently, I even considered not going for a run on a free evening. Just like that. Crazy.

There is still work to do

It should also be noted that the valves work differently and that there should be one or two more that have special functions, but the feeling I had at the end of the therapy session was better. I have made progress here. All the stops in between were good and important. And as long as I can see the sea and don't turn back, it's good.

But for us as a therapy team (therapist plus client) it was also good to visualize it all again. To see where we have already arrived and where the red thread leads. Where the road leads. That was good and a real eye-opener.

Mental health update

I'm just realizing what an impact reading has on me. In recent years, I've mainly watched series before going to sleep. In a life before Netflix and co, however, I used to read books and I have now reintroduced this. It's often very inspiring and feels a lot better than just being bombarded by a stream.

Running Update

Following a training-plan again. Form is bad. Nevertheless it’s working out at the moment and it is getting better.

The end:

📸 If you want to see and read more of my work, find my LinkedIn-page here and my Instagram account here. If you are interested in my running, have a look at my Strava.

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To cut a long story short. One of my biggest fears is losing the desire to run. Running has given me so much in my life. A reason to bond with my father. To feel sore muscles for the first time. To excel. To feel free. To discover new places. To meet like-minded people. Overcoming boundaries. I could probably continue this list for a few more paragraphs. Or what does running mean to you?

Where it all started with running

I got into running through my father. He had a heart attack and was supposed to do more exercise afterwards. He went running. I went with him and I quickly realised that it was the first time I was ahead of my schoolmates in sports. I was never bad in PE lessons, but I was always the smallest and unfortunately that also affected my performance, which wasn't measured in metres per height in the long throw for example.

However, my height was never a disadvantage when it came to running. And so I learnt to love running quite quickly and it never let go of me. Over the years, it became more and more important and more and more benefits accumulated around running. After decades of on/off running, I have now been lacing up my shoes regularly for 10 years. It's an integral part of my life.

Afraid of losing the joy in running

And to come back to the starting point. It would be a shame if I lost interest in running because it ticks more boxes than almost any other leisure activity. Every now and then I feel tired of it, but I actually always have some kind of goal that I'm pursuing with running and if I don't, then just getting my shoes out and leaving the house for a little run is enough to make me damn happy.

This year I had a pretty rough phase in the summer where I felt very overwhelmed. My head and also my body were signalling to me that I needed some space and so I took a step back. I often let things slide. Then I'd catch some nasty infection or maybe coronavirus with a persistent headache and 4-6 runs a week turned into 2-3 and sometimes no runs at all because I didn't feel up to it.

Do I want to go out and torment myself?

When I had time off in the evening, I asked myself the question: do I want to go out and run now? After this long break - do I want to start again from a point where running might be difficult again? Wouldn't I rather put my feet up, read something or watch some banal YouTube video? More and more often, I found it easy to leave my shoes in the wardrobe and take it easy instead and after a while, I actually started to have doubts. Surely I should get out and run again? Surely that's not right!? Is there something wrong with me? What was happening? I couldn't really tell, but I felt a kind of fear that the running chapter was coming to an end.

What I probably didn't realise was that maybe I just wasn't ready yet. I wasn't fit enough yet, that I still needed a bit of a break and that my body was clearly signalling this to me. So it was all the better last week when I went out on the trails again, with stomach rumblings and doubts beforehand and unbridled motivation afterwards. Within 45 minutes I was infected with the running virus again.

There are fears and fears

And if I'm honest, there are enough things to worry about today and in recent years. Things to be afraid of and things to be afraid of in the future. Pandemics, climate change, fascist presidents - this list could go on and on. But losing the desire to run, this fear, will probably no longer appear on this list.

Running update

Three more runs in the books. It is far from easy, but it doesn’t matter. I will get to the point, where it feels like that again.

Mental health update

Too much work, to many ill children here in the family, but despite that, not bad.

The end

📸 If you want to see and read more of my work, find my LinkedIn-page here and my Instagram account here. If you are interested in my running, have a look at Strava.

👨🏽‍❤️‍👨🏼 If you liked to receive this piece of writing, please consider to share it with others who might enjoy it as well.

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The one-year anniversary here in the newsletter is also more or less a one-year anniversary in therapy. I don't think I've ever been so regular and productive in that department. This makes me doubt my old therapist, who was always very relaxed when it came to making appointments and also tended to take the approach that I just tell him something and then we'll see where it leads. Well. It's different this time. I go to therapy every 1-2 weeks - even if we jump around thematically from time to time, you can recognise a line and I have the feeling that I'm making progress. Baby steps, but steps.

Imposter syndrom?

The other day it was about friends and orientation in life. I don't have that many friends, especially not that many friends with whom I talk about everything. Not so much because I'm afraid to talk about feelings or problems, but more because I'm picky about who I tell what to (except to you guys out there on the internet 😂), because I often feel like what I'm telling might not be that exciting and because I'm actually often looking for someone who has a certain amount of experience and can give me something from that wealth of experience. Of course, that doesn't always make it so easy.

We then delved deeper into the topic of mentors because my therapist asked who had served as a role model for me in the past and who had given me values and who I could ask when I needed help. Some of them were my parents, of course, but I didn't really have anyone in the area where I would have liked it most. My parents let me do a lot, which is also a gift, but on the other hand not enough when you ask yourself whether studying is the right thing for you or whether you should quit your job, for example. There wasn't much help to be expected, apart from ‘You'll do it!’ or ‘Well, maybe that's not necessarily the right path!’.

Where to go? Where to look?

But what is the right way? I always looked for people to tell me that and found them here and there. My first class teacher at secondary school was someone like that. Someone who had travelled a lot, who stood up for you, who could tell you stories and who listened to you, even if you were only a fifth grader. That was good. After that came the accident and I thought I would always have to sort everything out on my own anyway, so the feeling that I needed and could find someone like that just flared up here and there.

I remember meeting a relatively well-known sports journalist 10-15 years ago as part of a project. It was really nice with him, we went out to dinner with him at the end and I immediately had the feeling that he was interested in you, someone who could give you advice on problems and with whom you could have a really nice chat. And that in both a personal and professional sense. Someone you can learn from. Sadly he died in 2022.

Still searching

I'm still on this quest because I know that it relaxes me. I often bury my head in the sand when I can't make a decision, when I perhaps want to develop professionally or the things I've produced aren't what I want them to be and the I need someone to tell me what to do next. Let's see if I'm successful at some point.

On the other hand, I also try to fulfil this role for others, precisely because I am aware of its importance. I try to give my children the space they need to develop, but I also want to give them support when they need it. Whether they then accept it is another story and I try to show them ways in a professional context, either with colleagues or with my students, that they might not have found otherwise.

Maybe that's also a way to find some peace when it comes to mentoring.

Leaving opportunities by the wayside

Funnily enough, it would be easy to find such a person for running, because if you go to a running club, there is usually a coach there too. And anyone who has been reading here for a while knows that I occasionally lose my way and fail. It would be easy to accept the help of a coach. But I don't really do that either. But that's another topic.

Running update

I ran yesterday for the first time since the 14th of October. I had something in my bones. Runningwise the last months were more or less not good. I ran around 450k in the last four months, which is pretty less for this time of the year, but it was necessary and felt like a good break. Back to yesterday. I really loved the run, even if I was looking for the end of it very soon after starting. It’s so relaxing for my brain - it was nearly overwhelming. So I took a lot of motivation from that run and am now looking for the next one.

The end

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So let's start again. Coincidentally, on the day of the first anniversary of this newsletter. My aim here was to talk about mental health, about running, maybe entertain a little and, above all, to get in touch with you out there. As I said, I hope that worked out. I like to doubt things a bit.

Where I left…

I left you here at the end of July when I wasn't really feeling well. I was stressed, my thigh was overloaded and somehow nothing was coming together properly. So I cut back on everything I could and that actually helped. No more extra tasks (which unfortunately included this newsletter), less running and overall trying to minimise the stress at home. It wasn't always easy, but it worked.

Especially when it comes to running, I had always thought that it was impossible for me, but the summer taught me that I can do it with less. Not without, but less. And so I'm trundling through the rest of the year without a real running goal, even though I would have liked to run a new 5K-PB. I'm sick again at the moment, but I don't mind so much. I'll be throwing myself into a training plan again soon, but the aim is to take it easy.

New hobbies and the perfect summer vacation

I bought a 3D printer a few weeks ago and it sounds funny, but that thing has also relaxed me. When I can't run, I design things and print them out. It's an uncomplicated, creative activity that also helps me get through an evening without running.

The summer was also worth its weight in gold for my mental health. I was really worried about the family holiday in August, but it was actually the best holiday I've ever had with my family. Two weeks camping on a farm in the Allgäu. Lots of families, lots of animals, I hardly saw the children during these two weeks, which was an incredible relief. My mobile phone was more or less switched off, no work emails, no Insta, no social media. That also did me an incredible amount of good.

Trying to take something out of that summer

Then, of course, came the extreme relapse, but I keep trying to ground myself, turn off my mobile phone more often and work less from home. Being more present at home, but also taking myself back more. In the past, I've often felt overly responsible there, which increases my own stress. And that's what I'm mainly working on at the moment.

Things are going ok in therapy, but I realise that I'm working on so many things at the same time that I keep jumping from topic to topic, which makes me feel like I'm not getting anywhere. But - it's just a feeling and if I look at it objectively, then something is already happening.

Not bad, even if the sun is not always shining

I'm generally more positive and more relaxed, even though I had a panic attack and a major meltdown a few weeks ago, which was also due to the fact that I was ill and struggling to cope with the stressful situation. With a bit of distance, I could see it that way, but at the time it felt like a big failure.

Where do we go from here? As I said, more calm, more presence and more confrontation with situations that actually stress me out are the plan. A bit of running, a bit of this, a bit of that.

How about you?

How was your summer? And what are your plans for the next few months? How are you doing? Feel free to update me.

The end

📸 If you want to see and read more of my work, find my LinkedIn-page here and my Instagram account here. If you are interested in my running, have a look at Strava.

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Hmm. I'm still not sure where this is going again, but it doesn't really feel good. Six weeks ago I wrote that I wasn't feeling really stable and now I'm at that point again. It feels a bit like the bill for all sorts of things. I feel weighed down, my chest is often tight, I'm thin-skinned.

The thigh injury has developed into something that urgently needs to be cured for longer. Both the muscle and the tendons are constantly irritated. I'm going on vacation on Saturday, which is generally a good thing, but I'm slightly panicking about driving there.

Work is still there too, so I can't really switch off from it. I quit a lot of sweets the last four weeks, so I think I’ve got a lack of calorie income. Then there's a leisure project here and another there. I feel overwhelmed and overloaded and it's good that I'm realizing it.

What I'm trying to do now is reduce my workload. No running - I went cycling last week - it's good for my thigh, but my body and mind don't really want to do it, so I'm not doing it. Work lasts only until Wednesday - that's good. Beyond that, eat as healthily as possible, sleep and take it easy. Don't get worked up about anything. I hope it works out.

It's amazing that I keep missing the signals again and again. As a rule, everything always goes on somehow - the world keeps spinning - and I think the trigger and emergency brake this time was ultimately my thigh injury. I had to slow down, especially when it came to running. My body had time to take a deep breath and then showed me what was actually going on.

As I mentioned last week, I should keep a record of my everyday stress as well as my sporting stress. If you put the two together, it added up again. Maybe I'll get smarter at some point.

To cut a long story short. There will be no newsletter for the next two weeks.

The end

📸 If you want to see and read more of my work, find my LinkedIn-page here and my Instagram account here. If you are interested in my running, have a look at Strava.

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In 2016 I was at a race in the danish national triathlon series. During the swim, I suddenly could not breathe, I felt my heart rate go way up and I thought that I was going to pass out. [..] Later I had a talk with my trainer and he asked me about my allostatic load. Completely confused, I asked him what the heck allostatic load was? My trainer told me, that just like we have a physical capacity of what we are capable off, we also have a mental load of what we are capable off. And just like if we push ourselves to the max in training every day we will end up over trained, if we push ourselves too much mentally over time we will experience burnout. And what I just experienced at the race was a panic attack, which was probably caused by too long of a period with too high allostatic load. So I started tracking my daily capacity on a scale of 1 to 5, 5 being right up at that allostatic load limit and 1 being the other end of the spectrum. This simple tracking reveals when you are near your limits signaling the need to dial it back just a bit in advance so you can stay in the game and keep on pushing rather than getting kicked out by burnout. So if you're getting up to a 4 or 5 on a regular basis you likely want to dial it back just a bit. Objective markers like heart rate variability can also help you asses capacity and is something that is worth looking into.

Nicklas Rossner (Youtube)

This is an unusually long quote that I stumbled across on YouTube recently and which I found quite interesting. It deals with an approach that I have actually wanted to incorporate into my daily training routine for quite a long time, but haven't implemented to this day. Namely, documenting not only sporting stress, but also everyday stress. Because, as everyone knows, everyday stress also has an impact on my/your training, but my smart ring/smartwatch mainly registers the influence of sporting stress on your “readiness”.

And this is where the concept of Allostatic Load comes into play, which deals with the influence of stress on health. The concept is still relatively new and was only first researched at the beginning of the 90s and since then the number of studies has remained at a manageable level, but there are already various results that are quite interesting. If you use Google, you'll find a lot.

Allostatic load represents the ‘wear and tear’ of chronic stress on the brain and body that may differ between men and women. A small but growing number of studies are assessing allostatic load in relation to mental health.

Philippe Kerr et al. (2020) - Allostatic load and women’s brain health: A systematic review

The findings indicate that allostatic load and overload are associated with poorer health outcomes. Assessment of allostatic load provides support to the understanding of psychosocial determinants of health and lifestyle medicine. An integrated approach that includes both biological markers and clinimetric criteria is recommended.

Jenni Guidi et al. (2020) - Allostatic Load and Its Impact on Health: A Systematic Review

I don't want to make this too long today. Of course, I also have the impression that stress is also affecting my sport. Spring was once again extremely demanding in terms of family life, which of course also had an impact on my training. How often was I ill and how well did my running training go? The answers to these questions are very often and very bad.

But of course that's just a gut feeling and that's why I would really like to collect the daily stress value described by Nicklas Rossner to see how the perceived stress level changes over the year and how it affects training if necessary. Do you keep a record? What are your experiences? Please let me know in the comments!

Running update

Last week was pretty fast. After the race last Friday I did an easy run on Sunday, but then went into the new week with two pretty fast sessions. One with intervals and one tempo run. After an another easy run, I had a long run on Saturday in the summer heat, which was pretty demanding. Decided to start this week very slow with no running and just resting a few days. Despite the fact, that I’m tired, my thigh still hurts from time to time. On Thursday my physiotherapist will have a look at it.

Mental health update

Being tired always means more mess in my head. I’m fine, but the family-vacation is getting closer, which is demanding for me (the journey, leaving my safe-space), but on the other hand I’m really looking forward to a change of scenery, no work and some mountains. Besides that, I have to keep my shit together for three weeks, because there is no therapy during this time.

The end

📸 If you want to see and read more of my work, find my LinkedIn-page here and my Instagram account here. If you are interested in my running, have a look at Strava.

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Phew. Guys. I'm tired. Really, really tired. Not "I didn't get much sleep last night" tired, but more "I need to put some more wood on the stove" tired or I'm burning out. The half marathon last Friday is probably one of the reasons. At least it could be. More on that later.

Going into a race fully recovered?

Let's start with last week. At the beginning of the week I had problems in my right thigh. I had been training a lot in the weeks before, running a lot of miles, some interval work, but I didn't feel like there was a trigger for the problems in my thigh. I assumed it was a hardened muscle because whenever I went running, my thigh would relax. Nevertheless, I only ran on Monday and put my feet up until the day of the race on Friday.

To be honest, I was really worried that I wouldn't be able to run, but everything felt okay on Friday. At least in such a way that I didn't expect anything to get worse.

Pre-race-anxiety

I was relatively excited because the last race had gone pretty badly. Today's final time for the 21k was supposed to be the same pace as my botched 10K race two and a half weeks earlier. I couldn't really imagine that yet. I was worried that I would just shatter into pieces again during the run, which is really not a nice feeling, especially when you run so long and don't want to just stop in between. The "walk of shame" is a much longer route than on a 10k run, which consists of four 2.5k laps.

But that wasn't going to happen. I had planned to start with a 4:00min/k pace and then see where the journey took me. Up to kilometer 15, it went very well. Depending on the terrain, I was sometimes under and sometimes over. But then came the most difficult part of the course, slightly uphill, exposed to the wind and that really pushed me to my limits. It has to be said that I had company from kilometer 8 onwards in the person of a much better runner, but he was only doing a training run today.

Trying to find my pace

He had already run to the front before, then back to his girlfriend and now he joined me because my target time was also about his. We chatted from time to time, which was also a sign for me that I was in a good shape, but as I said, at kilometer 16 it became too much. I had to let go. However, I wasn't the only one who had problems. There had been a runner in front of me who had probably gained a minute on the first part of the course on me, but I was now making up ground on him bit by bit, even though I was struggling myself.

I caught up with him at some point, but I knew that there were also runners coming up behind me, so I was caught right before the finish by a different runner, I stayed on his heels and was finally able to leave him behind me again in the final sprint. 7th place, new PB. You can see it here. I was satisfied.

Halfmarathon vs. 5K

Nevertheless, a half marathon feels more than strange for a runner coming from the 5K. While in a 5K race you go straight to your limits without any detours, which you can endure for 15-20 minutes, a half marathon is somehow completely different. Running at a speed at the beginning that doesn't really push you yet feels strange. Being able to assess whether this is the right pace is a feat in itself. For me. Probably not for experienced runners.

Just as I had to learn not to overpace on the 5K, the same applies to the half marathon, but at a completely different pace. What I more than appreciate about this experience is that you become a more complete runner. You learn something new. You expand your running repertoire and I have to say that I've missed that in recent years. This is also reflected in my training. Although I've run a lot more kilometers in previous years, this year I've done significantly more runs over 20K. Just for comparison. In 2023, I completed a total of 14 of them. 2024 already 17.

Broadening the horizon

And I think that will also help me on the 5K at the end of the summer. Nevertheless, I still have doubts as to whether such long distances are really the thing for me. As I said, I'm tired, my thigh is also better, but overall it takes much more time to recover after a half marathon than after a 5K race. There it was more a case of competing next week or the week after.

Nevertheless, I have planned my next half marathon for the end of August and a 28K race two weeks later. Let's see if that makes sense - right now I think it makes more sense to cancel a race. I'll let it sink in for now and see how the next few weeks develop. For now, I'm happy about a new PB, a good minute faster than my previous one. 4 minutes faster than at the race in the spring, and all this in the knowledge that there is still more potential.

“Me elsewhere!”

Last week I was a guest on ' podcast. The first twenty minutes were exhausting for me. I keep realizing that my spoken English still lags far behind my written English. But after twenty minutes I was fine. So just fast forward.

The end

📸 If you want to see and read more of my work, find my LinkedIn-page here and my Instagram account here. If you are interested in my running, have a look at Strava.

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Letting people go at work means work

It's been a busy and eventful week, which is why today is just a really short update. Summer is really kicking off, which for me at work means that I usually have all sorts of tasks piling up. Colleagues usually disappear on vacation for a while and before they leave, they quickly push some work onto me. Thanks for that. After all, I'm going on vacation myself in four weeks and I'll see what tasks I can hand out to my colleagues. So much for "letting people go". And it doesn't end here either.

Saying good-bye to a running buddy

My Norwegian running buddy left me on Sunday. He spent four planned years here in Germany with his family. Now he's going back and I'm left with a gap that I won't be able to fill any time soon. Even if we weren't on the road together every week, we had regular exchanges in the knowledge that we live in similar circumstances (family with three children), we have similar ideas, values and views, which was great for the exchanges on our runs together. There is nothing better to have someone to talk to on those boring slow longruns. Bye-bye.

Kid 1 leaves for summer camp

On Monday we sent child 1 off to summer camp for two weeks. I admire his courage to just go there, knowing that he doesn't know what to expect. Okay. He was there last year too, but a camp like this is always a black box. It will make him bigger and braver than I ever was and I imagine and hope that I may have helped him a little bit to be the way he is. See you in two weeks! Even though I'm currently enjoying only having to look after two children, I'm surprisingly already missing him.

The letting go you never want to experience

Our neighbor found out this week what it means to have to let her child go in a completely different way. She is probably in her 80s and her son died unexpectedly from a pulmonary embolism. It is always said that the worst thing for parents is to outlive their children. This was written all over her face as I met her. It becomes even more fatal when you know that even her 103-year-old mother is still alive and has outlived her grandson. You stand in front of these people and you don't know what to say except how unbelievably unthinkable it all is.

Running update

I thought about a 100k-week and it was totally possible, but I stopped myself halfway through the week, which was a wise decision. Right thigh hurts a bit and I want to run a half-marathon on Friday. Ended up with nearly 70k. Still really good. July is good to me. Thanks!

Mental-health-update

Very good things happened this week and I experienced some really nice days with the family which is not a matter of course. Talked about it today in therapy and this ended in a conflict between my inner child and my adult self today. Went home in a cloudy mood.

So that’s it for today. I wish you a wonderful week.

The end

📸 If you want to see and read more of my work, find my LinkedIn-page here and my Instagram account here. If you are interested in my running, have a look at Strava.

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Average Results mean not always something

This year's running year was characterized by rather average results. I told you about it. A good January, then a few illnesses, then the cancellation of the UTMB, then a below-average test run here and then last week the first real competition of the season, which, to cut a long story short, wasn't even average. Let's perhaps start with this race.

As described in the last newsletter, I was really looking forward to this first race. 10k in my office. More or less. An unfamiliar distance at a relatively early point in my summer season, but the plan was to run a 37-38-minutes-time. That was an optimistic to conservative estimate. What came next was a lesson in racing.

Race day

The day was hot. More than hot. The terrain here is generally very hot due to the many cobblestone passages and much of it is in the middle of the sun. The day was relatively relaxed. I ate something at lunchtime and drank a lot, but I had a work appointment at 6 p.m., so there was more or less no evening meal. I only had a small snack and that was it. What a mistake.

The combination of heat and bad food probably killed me in the race at 8pm. You can only guess afterwards, but I really felt completely empty during the race. The first two kilometers went according to plan in terms of pace, but then the times got worse and worse. At the halfway point, I considered dropping out.

Dropping out?

I have to admit that I'm not good at running completely below my expectations. So the carousel of thoughts as to whether I should drop out or not went on for a relatively long time until I came to the conclusion that I could perhaps benefit from finishing the race and that's what I did. It actually got better from kilometer 7/8 onwards, even if it wasn't good, so that I made it to the finish in good shape.

Now I can somehow still try to get something good out of the race. In the style of that I fought my way through it, but in the end it would have been completely ok to stop the race. After all, it wasn't the race of the season. It wasn't a UTMB trail race, where it's perhaps more important to keep going and overcome weak phases. But not in this 10K race.

I fought through it, but who cares?

The only thing I really took away was the food story. The next race will be later in the evening again, so this time eat well in advance.

At this point, let's draw the bow towards the title. ‘Trust the process’. Even though I have already completed many quality sessions this year, I am still relatively early in the summer season. It's only natural that not everything is going as well as it could. But that's also important. You can still see progress. Yesterday I completed a 5K test run and finished in 18:30 minutes. 40 seconds faster than two weeks ago. Easier than last week at the 10k race. With a significantly lower heart rate. There you go.

‘Trust’ - a difficult concept

And then it's simply a case of "trust the process". I will. Now I'm already looking forward to race 2 in one and half week. A half marathon. Just another step in the process towards really good 5K times at the end of the summer, but I'm still motivated to deliver.

Photographing the above mentionend competition

I took the chance that day to take a few photos of the other runs that day. Not digitally though, but with an old medium format camera. That was exciting and worked out ok. In any case, I learned a few things. For example, I photographed the fast people with too long an exposure time, which was difficult to do otherwise with the film I had inserted. The pictures that came out sharp definitely look good.

Running update

61k in the books. Two long runs at the weekend. Still feeling well with the increased volume. 269k in June, which is the best result for a month ever.

Mental health update

Ok. Heat makes it always more difficult to be anxiety-free.

The end

📸 If you want to see and read more of my work, find my LinkedIn-page here and my Instagram account here. If you are interested in my running, have a look at Strava.

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